I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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