my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
