i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
