k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
