Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
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