I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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