i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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