In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
