Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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