So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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