If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize