Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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