Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
