did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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