You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
