Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
