I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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