I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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