Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Is it penis luge time yet?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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