Betty ford says i'm here all night
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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