That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
