Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
