i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Randomize
