Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
