walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
