I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
