so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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