I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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