Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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