You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
