how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
