So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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