I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
My day in three words: secret purse cake
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
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