you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
