Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
