Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
