Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
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