I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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