I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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