Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
