I accidentally had phone sex last night
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Randomize
