just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
