If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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