The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
