My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
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i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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