I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
