i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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