You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
