so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
