hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
