Apparently you make a good broom.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
