oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
