Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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