Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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