he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
