I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
